EP: 0409 - Female Led Relationships - Strengthening Connections Through Life's Turbulence

00:00 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
let's talk about how I ride my subbie. Shall we ride him like a bicycle? Okay welcome back. We walking. It's a morning walk with how about this development? Christine and her subbie. 

00:15 - Subby  (Co-host)
So okay, so oh hi, subbie hi how's it going? Okay, if you followed the saga saga all the way back to October, when our shit got stolen, we had a little set of wireless little wireless mics that you clip onto or you can plug a little thing into. We had a little set of those that were. They were okay, right. 

00:36 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yeah. 

00:37 - Subby  (Co-host)
Fast forward to Quartzsite. We were going to go to Podfest. 

00:42 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yep. 

00:43 - Subby  (Co-host)
And we thought that we needed to replace those mics because we didn't know the setup we were gonna go to pod fest, yep, and we thought that we needed to replace those mics because we didn't know the setup we were going into or any of that. So we ordered these sweet dji mics awesome that really weren't all that more expensive than the ones that were stolen. But, holy shit, are these great? 

00:59 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
they are as I just take a deep sigh into the microphone, but I forget it's attached to me. Yeah, these have killer battery life. Yeah, and the sound quality is awesome. Yeah, we'll see how it does with the wind. This is probably the first time we've done anything with a lot of wind Right we tried a mountain quartzite. I didn't so much hear the wind there, it was more the canopy above us. Yeah, that's true. 

01:25 - Subby  (Co-host)
Any canopy above us? Yeah, that's true. Anywho, this isn't a commercial for these things, but the point is that we can now use these, go on a walk, talk about the things and, you know, considering that we're in a little camper with the boy, this gives us some privacy to talk about these things. 

01:36 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yes, I 100% agree. It was an interesting winter, to say the least. And this isn't going to be interesting winter, to say the least, and this isn't going to be like a life update, no, but it kind of is. 

01:51
We've done a podcast on the seasons of a female-led relationship, but I kind of wanted to talk about our season, yeah, this past winter, yep. So I just kind of wanted to talk about some of the things that we experienced this winter, where we're at now, and maybe offer some tips where, if you're kind of experiencing the same thing, maybe this can help yeah, at the very least to let you know that you're not alone yeah, and it is a true testament to these relationships ebbing and flowing right. 

02:18
So let's kind of take it back to the beginning, without really going into details. 

02:20 - Subby  (Co-host)
As you all know, our shirt was stolen in San Francisco in October, yep, and that was kind of the start of tumultuous this season, really, I guess, yeah yeah, it really kind of started everything off, maybe not on a great foot yeah but I think over the winter our focus has changed a lot well, okay, I think over the winter we were really preoccupied by survival, but first trying to develop our business at the same time, because we, you know, had a major income change. So you know, my pattern of working from eyes open to eyes closed never really stopped. However, I was fortunate enough to then do that from within the camper. Yep, instead of driving a lot Right and all that. 

03:08 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
And I think as far as the you know dom/sub aspect, I had a hard time with the company because I was trying to learn the things and our roles were kind of reversed. You were kind of like my boss. Now I also harbored some guilt because I didn't really get on board until it was live or die. I felt like you had resentment towards me because I didn't get on board sooner and I had my reasons and whatever. 

03:35 - Subby  (Co-host)
And we talked about it. 

03:36 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
But I think that played a role in how we got to kind of the place we're at now. Like we had to work through that. Right the place we're at now, like we had to work through that Right and I had a really hard time adjusting to learning something new and I've never been self-employed and you have and I think we struggled with how I learn and how you teach. I think it's different and we had to work that out. 

03:56 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yeah. 

03:57 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
You know, and I think there was a lot of struggles and I think that our relationship dynamic just kind of fell to the side a little bit because we had to survive. 

04:08 - Subby  (Co-host)
First, to start with, I didn't really harbor any resentment right, Because at that time, and pretty much all times, I'm in the moment of right now what you did or didn't do two months ago isn't right now. 

04:25 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Right, I'm not saying that like I think. I felt guilty. So I was projecting what I was feeling on you and not that you made me feel that way, it's just how I felt. 

04:33 - Subby  (Co-host)
You assumed that I felt that way. Yeah Right, and I think a lot of the problems that we run into is the assumptions. 

04:41 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yep. 

04:42 - Subby  (Co-host)
And you know those assumptions really fly in the face of what we talk about constantly with communication Right, and I think that our skirmishes or whatever Yep Resulted from those assumptions and we didn't in those moments stop to say wait, time out, let's fucking dig down into what's going on here. Instead it was all surfacy and just mold right over all of it. 

05:10 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
You know we got to take our own medicine on that I know, I was just going to say it's very much I do as I say, not as I do yeah I think that we were so stuck in survival mode like right I'm not. I don't want this to be a poor me, because I learned so much this winter. 

05:23 - Subby  (Co-host)
It is absolutely a case study. 

05:25 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Right. You know I mean, fuck, our truck almost got stolen in Las Vegas. You know what I mean. But, like, even with our stuff getting stolen in San Francisco, we're so lucky because a lot of people are being held by gunpoint and their stuff being taken. 

05:38 - Subby  (Co-host)
We weren't. 

05:39 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Everybody was safe, so we just lost stuff. You know, yeah, everybody was safe in Vegas when our truck almost got stolen on the first night. Yep, we were lucky because they didn't get it. 

05:50 - Subby  (Co-host)
Right. 

05:50 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
We always have a positive that has come out of these negatives. 

05:53 - Subby  (Co-host)
Right, and even in those moments we were maybe not right away, but we were saying my God, how bad could this have been. 

06:00 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yeah, we would have been totally fucked. 

06:03 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yeah, so in those moments at least, we had the mindset of this could be worse yeah right, yep like. I mean they still suck, but at least we tried to focus on the positive of it right, but that didn't necessarily translate into the FLR. You know what I mean yeah because in a lot of those moments I was like very checklisty yeah you know, yep, and not necessarily focused on my role, right? 

06:31 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
well, and in San Francisco you were by far the calm one. I just took off you probably could have gotten hurt like I can't even believe I did that and like just the look on your face, I knew right away as soon as I saw you oh my god, what did I do? I left him standing there with our two girls, a busted out window on our van, and I just, and you're off to get the bad guy. 

06:48
Yeah what the fuck was I thinking like? What am I gonna do? Chase him down and beat him up? Yeah, fuck, I don't know how to fight yeah anyway, you know. 

06:56 - Subby  (Co-host)
But even in then, if you take a step back from that, I am the protector, right? Yep, I feel like I'm the provider, the protector, the whatever. In those moments I can't freak out, right, but it's not even my nature to necessarily right, so that's very fortunate. 

07:15 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
And it's interesting, our roles in this. This is kind of an interesting I mean it's a little off track, but it's interesting our roles in this. Like when the actual thing was happening, you were kind of in control Once everything mellowed out. I had processed everything, I took over, I handled all the insurance, all of that, made you know, did all the research to find out what the price was. You know what I mean. So we have our roles. 

07:37 - Subby  (Co-host)
Absolutely. 

07:38 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Even though maybe currently it's not exactly what it was a year ago, there's still aspects of it in our life right but I feel like it was really lost. 

07:47 - Subby  (Co-host)
There hasn't been any chastity since october I feel like maybe the lack of chastity played into where we are, yep, or where we were, or or really, you know any of that? 

08:00 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
I think the chastity plays a very big role in our female-led relationships specifically. It's a very, very important part that I have missed and I think you know part of it is too. We always say we'll find a way to make it work in a 24-foot camper with a 14 year old boy. But listen, it's not as easy as you think. 

08:18
Nope, I mean, you get a little bit of time in the morning when he's sleeping, yep, but when the beast awakes right, I can't bend him over the bed and whoop his ass when the kid is sleeping right there so it's been more psychological than physical really our dynamic was more on a mental level than the physical level. But I think the missing of the chastity kind of threw me for a loop and I think that we were in such survival mode and I was trying to learn the things but on that teaching thing, right, ironically, I'm not a good teacher because I assume and there's that word again, I assume that the other person already knows yeah and I really assume these things because I don't want to, like, insult the person or make them feel bad that they don't know what they're doing. 

09:11 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yep, so I just assume most of time. Now, historically, you've been familiar with some of the programs that we use. Yes, right, so I I assume that you know all the things that I know. Yeah, which isn't necessarily the case, because I use them Differently, differently more. 

09:31 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
You use them on a more regular basis. 

09:33 - Subby  (Co-host)
And I do, and then okay. Another step then is because I use them way more often. I pick up all these little tips, these little shortcuts, these little hey, this does that. But I assume that you know these things and you don't. So then I get frustrated that you don't, because we've been through all this and then we're off to the races. 

09:58 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Well, one of my biggest things is I hate feeling dumb Not saying that you're making me feel dumb. 

10:04 - Subby  (Co-host)
Right. 

10:05 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
I just hate feeling like I'm dumb or being talked to like I'm dumb. 

10:08 - Subby  (Co-host)
Right, that is the last thing I ever want to do. It's more about confusion, but you already know these things. 

10:16 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
And I should. But the other thing with that is too, like if I don't do things like even in previous jobs where I went to my eight to five, nine to five, whatever if I didn't do something on the daily, I made notes, because it took me a while to get used to the process. If I do it once a month, or I do it once every other month, right, so some of the things I was doing weren't on a daily basis and I I just I should have written them down. I do have the processes written down for one thing, but that's how I learn. I write the things down and I learn the things that way, and for some reason it didn't register to me to write these steps down. Yeah, so there was just a disconnect and we didn't communicate like we should have right and again. 

10:57 - Subby  (Co-host)
This can absolutely apply to so many people yeah you. You know this isn't just us, but we're talking about it. 

11:03 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
It's so hard when life gets in the way Like you really have to be intentional, and I think we lost a lot of that. We aren't as intentional as we used to be. 

11:12 - Subby  (Co-host)
Right. 

11:13 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Because we're just constantly trying to take the next step or do the next thing. 

11:18 - Subby  (Co-host)
Right, we're constantly in that survival mode Yep, like the clock is ticking, constantly. There's deadlines and all these things and, as the provider and protector, that is my focus, right, so I lose focus on what I'm supposed to be focusing on. 

11:32 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Right, I mean you're trying to feed your family right. It's not like you know we need money because we want to go to a movie. It's like we need to eat. 

11:42 - Subby  (Co-host)
Right, we need to put fuel in the tank. We need to pay these bills, whatever. Yeah, there's nothing extravagant about our lives. 

11:48 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
No, there, sure isn't, and I'm okay with that. I didn't mean that, I mean it's just different. Yep, I'm happy with what I learned this winter. Yep made it. Yep. 

11:56 - Subby  (Co-host)
We absolutely did. 

11:57 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
We didn't kill each other. Yep, I didn't ever want to put a pillow over your face while you were sleeping. 

12:02 - Subby  (Co-host)
We did what I didn't ever think I would be able to do, right, I walked away from that thing I'd been doing for 30 years. Right, and I'd done it for 30 years, thinking this is what I have to do, and a lot of the principles apply to what we're doing now. Once I got that clarity about, okay, I've done this before, I've been down this path of whatever Changed my mindset to okay, this is this, that's that I can organize how things are done, but still, if I'm focused on all that stuff, I'm not focused on us. 

12:35 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
And I mean let's just rewind for a hot minute let's talk about. We didn't really give ourselves time to process the massive changes we went through. Yes, you quit doing a career you'd been doing for 30 some years. 

12:47 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yep, and in the truck we go and head south. Yes, like literally overnight. 

12:51 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yes, Like we didn't really give ourselves any time. I don't know that it really sunk in what we were really doing until Oklahoma a little bit and then a little bit more once we got to Quartzsite. I still don't know that I've processed or registered what we just did this winter. 

13:08 - Subby  (Co-host)
I still feel like, okay, this is going to be over and I have to go back to doing what I was doing. 

13:12 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yeah. 

13:13 - Subby  (Co-host)
You know, I still feel like that. 

13:14 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
And rightfully so, which could also be part of what weighs on what we're going through right now as well. 

13:21 - Subby  (Co-host)
It weighs on my shoulders really. This is just a little fun thing we're doing right now and it's going to be over on Monday. 

13:26 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
It almost felt like vacation. 

13:28 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yes. 

13:29 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
But it didn't because. 

13:30 - Subby  (Co-host)
As an aside when you live in a camper every day is a Saturday, anyway, sorry, okay. So all that to be said. 

13:37 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yeah, so all the contributing factors. You know there's stress, life gets in the way. I mean, these are all common things, even if you don't live in a small camper and go south for the winter. 

13:45 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yeah. 

13:45 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
These are things that can happen. Things can just fall off. 

13:48 - Subby  (Co-host)
You can live in a camper, like we do, or a $2 million house. Yep, they're all just common things. 

14:03 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
What we're trying to say is that if you're in the same space that we are or were, or whatever. Don't give up, right, okay, what are three tips? 

14:07 - Subby  (Co-host)
three tips on what you would suggest I'll see if you take mine. So are these in order or just just three? 

14:10 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
random things that you could do. If you feel like your female-led relationship has kind of fallen off, what would you suggest, or what are three tips you think we could do for our female-led relationship that would get us back on track more? 

14:22 - Subby  (Co-host)
Okay, I'm going to speak to my brothers here. Okay, you will get in that mindset of survival or game management or whatever it is. You'll get into that mindset and forget about your partner. Really, here's what I would say, and this is something that's on my mind right now, that I can do. I can take those moments in the evening, maybe in the middle of the day and at bedtime, to stop. Stop thinking about the game management, the survival. Think about your partner. Focus on your partner. Think about those things that you could do better, you could have done better, and communicate them to your wife, your girlfriend, your partner, whatever. 

15:11 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
I did want to touch on really quick before you finish. You know you had said focus on some things that have happened in the past. I would say don't focus on the past, take what you learned from that and then move forward. 

15:25 - Subby  (Co-host)
That's what I'm saying, yeah be mindful of those things out those things. I could have done that better. So then next time you do it right I love that and it's not necessarily about condemning yourself right, it's being mindful, I guess, the big point that I want to bring here my. 

15:39
My tip is be mindful and figure out a way you can organize your thoughts about okay, this is work and survival. I need to push this aside for a second and I need to focus on us I'm going to play off your tip a little bit. 

15:54 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
I think this is probably more attached to yours, because being mindful and being intentional is kind of the same thing. I wish that I had been this entire winter a little bit more intentional, like. I feel like we just kind of got into the roles of a standard domestic relationship and then, like we were an 80 year old married couple that didn't touch and that used to be like and yes, we still did, but not nearly as much right and I wish that I had been more intentional with that aspect of things. But I was so in my own head about things that it just kind of fell by the wayside. Yep, and I hate that. Like that would be the thing from the past that I would like to change. 

16:33
I think that it would kind of fell by the wayside and I hate that. Like that would be the thing from the past that I would like to change. I think that it would have been a different outcome or we maybe wouldn't be where we are right now if I had been more intentional about certain things and playing off that, if you had been mindful, or you know what I mean. So being intentional and mindful is kind of the same thing. 

16:50 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yep. So then, with those two tips, right Yep, I guess the biggest one is communicate, right Yep? And we gosh, we say this all the time, but it's so true. And we don't follow our own advice sometimes had I been mindful, had you been more intentional, we would, and if we would have communicated those two things, things would have gone differently. I'm not necessarily going to say better. 

17:14 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
It would have just been different. I don't think it would have been bad. 

17:16 - Subby  (Co-host)
Different Listen. Listener, we're not in a bad place. 

17:21 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
No, we're not. 

17:22 - Subby  (Co-host)
We're just in a place. 

17:24 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yeah, it's not where it was. 

17:26 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yeah, prime example, a year ago in the spring, from, say, march or whatever, to now, february to now or whatever we were actively playing, we were actively putting out content about stuff. We were in a zone, we had a booth, we had privacy. Yes, and it's different this year than it was last year. 

17:46 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yes, it sure is, and that's not bad. 

17:49 - Subby  (Co-host)
No, like we could have privacy. It's like 50 feet away from us. 

17:53 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yes, our other camper is currently at our campground, but again we get so sidetracked with the fires that we need to put out for work. So again, be more intentional. We need to communicate when things get frustrating. I mean, you have to have the hard conversations, and I think that I preach communication and sometimes I just curl up in a ball and say I don't want to talk about it. 

18:14 - Subby  (Co-host)
And I get stubborn or frustrated with things and then I shut down because you sure do. Okay, but I don't want to say something stupid or say something that I'm feeling in that moment, because it's not true. 

18:26 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
I know and I have to get used to the fact that you need time to process. 

18:30 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yes. 

18:30 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Because I want to work everything out right then yeah. And I think we've talked about this before too that you know we process things entirely different. 

18:38 - Subby  (Co-host)
Right. 

18:39 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
And a lot of times men and women do that or just people in general. 

18:42 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yes. 

18:43 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Like they process things so differently that you have to have those uncomfortable conversations after the matter. 

18:48 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yeah. To figure out how each of you works, you know, and figure out how you handle conflict resolution, because nobody has a relationship where there isn't some sort of conflict I can speak to the people that need to process things male or female, need to process them longer, right, when your partner wants to address the current thing, whatever that is, you somehow need to communicate that you do need time to process. But what is one or two things that we can touch on right now to get that ball rolling right? So we'll continue later. 

19:23 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
That's what I'm trying to say I think that there I mean really you should have tips or you should have a strategy for your conflict resolution, right, like if we had. 

19:32
You know, our three mile walks in the desert were a lot of times where we come first about things, but sometimes I felt like we just went in circles and it was just the same thing, and I think we both got frustrated and I don't know that anything was ever really resolved. I personally wish I would have been more intentional or more adamant about getting a cage back, because I think part of the reason that I didn't push is because I felt like it was stupid that, that it was that important to me. And then I think one day it just clicked in my head this isn't stupid, this is a part of who we are, yeah, so again, we didn't communicate about it, so I held it all in yep. I would also say that's a contributing factor as to why there wasn't a whole lot of content released over the winter, because I didn't feel like I was in a place where we were really living it to the fullest extent, and then I felt like I couldn't do a podcast because I felt like I was faking it. 

20:19 - Subby  (Co-host)
Imposter syndrome. 

20:20 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Yes, I had hella imposter syndrome and I think it took me a while to process all of that and then I realized that I'm human. This is where I'm at in my life and I want to talk about it because yes again. The reason I started the podcast was because I have questions and I can't be the only one that wants to know the answers to these. 

20:38
Right well, I also can't be the only one going through this right so here we are being diligent, walking three miles and trying to record a podcast, with all the wind, all the trucks, yeah, none of these sound effects are added afterwards. 

20:51 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yeah, this is all real, this is a real stick. 

20:53 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
But it's important to me to get back to this, because I think that what I've forgotten is the people that listen to this podcast care about what's going on in our life. 

21:01 - Subby  (Co-host)
Well, and if we can help just one person, yes, that's, that's the point, and we've said this a bunch of times, but we'll say it again that's the point of what, what, what we're doing here. It's not a fantasy podcast, right, or anything. 

21:13 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
It's real daily driver shit that applies to everybody yes, it does, and mental health sometimes plays a big role. Like I overthink the shit out of some things and I get in my own head and I just I don't know if I bring myself down or if I just overthink things and think, oh my gosh, I'm gonna sound stupid, I don't want to. 

21:33 - Subby  (Co-host)
Yeah, and that can apply to the male or the female right. Yes, somebody can identify with that. 

21:40 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
And it also plays a role in my dominance, because I start to overthink things, I question what I'm saying and I feel like I'm not doing it right Now. He's never made me feel like I'm not doing it right, but I get in my own head about it and then I step back a little bit and I stop being so dominant because I feel like I'm doing it wrong. Much like how I learn If I'm not actively doing it, I'm never going to get better at it. 

22:02 - Subby  (Co-host)
You know the old thing that practice makes perfect. But you're not looking for perfect, no, You're just looking for the thing that works for you. 

22:09 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
you know you as a couple yep, and I mean, fuck, it's been a roller coaster, but, like I said, I still love him. Yeah, as much, if not more, than the day we met, like it just grows stronger. So I don't want anybody to interpret what we're saying as we're not doing well, because we're always doing well yes relationship wise as far as our connection, our love for each other right. 

22:31 - Subby  (Co-host)
We just suck sometimes at communicating yes, you know, practice what we preach and we are absolutely guilty of that yes, we sure are. 

22:40 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Okay, our three mile walk is concluding. Thanks for tuning in. I hope you enjoyed our morning walk with us. 

22:46 - Subby  (Co-host)
I hope you feel refreshed and revitalized absolutely and that maybe you can take something from this, and it's helpful. 

22:55 - Krystine Kellogg (Host)
Or maybe listen to this while you're taking your morning walk. There is that. I mean, I'm a little winded, I don't know if you can tell. Have a great day, stay safe, stay healthy, stay kind. Love you all.